Tears and sorrow

I want to cry. I want to cry and cry and cry and cry and JUST CRY. I want to cry till I can feel nothing anymore, till there’s nothing left to feel, till the tears wash away all the pain in my heart. Or at least, till I’m so drained of tears that there are no more tears left to cry. Now, why am I blogging about it? Because I can’t, I can’t cry, but I CAN blog about it. I wish the dam would explode and just set me free.

The weirdest thing is I want to cry for someone I don’t know, someone I haven’t ever seen, someone I didn’t even know existed till this morning. This morning when I heard he had passed away. (May Allah forgive him and grant him paradise). I don’t even know his name. I want to cry for a silhouette, a twenty-six year old silhouette with no face and no name. That he is twenty-six and died of lung cancer is about all I know, and oh yes that he lives a few buildings away.

Another weird coincidence is that since the past few days I’ve been thinking a lot about smoking and its side effects. And today I hear of a death due to lung cancer. Is that a sign of something?

Is it deranged feeling so sad for someone I don’t know? Maybe it is. But then maybe I’m not sad for him really? I don’t know why I’m feeling like I am, but I can’t stand the thought of it. I can’t stand the thought of his parents, his fiancée, his siblings. I want to cry but I can’t, I can’t.

I saw his fiancée earlier today, such a sweet and pretty little thing. She must have been like me, twenty-two, maybe even younger. I couldn’t stand to look at her face. Her sorrow- its haunting me.

I’d cry a river if I could,
I’d cry forever if I could,
If tears could wash it all away,
I’d cry till there was nothing left to wash anymore.

Pray for them. Pray for him and his family.